


Let me calm you

by Unbestaendig



Category: Star Trek
Genre: (Graphic) Descriptions of Injuries & Blood, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Self-Harm, self-harming!reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-10-15 09:33:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10554066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unbestaendig/pseuds/Unbestaendig
Summary: "Lieutenant, it's Commander Spock. Please open the door."Anxiety has your tongue.Moments of rib breaking silence pass."Lieutenant, please open the door."Nine heartbeats, no breath.What does he want?Why is he here?He can't know?What if he knows?





	1. The point...

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: English is not my first language. I do not own Star Trek.
> 
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> 
> **If you need someone to listen to you, I will listen.**
> 
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> I really hope, with all my heart, you enjoy reading this fanfiction as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
>  
> 
> Star Trek Characters and the Enterprise belong to Gene Roddenberry  
> & Paramount Pictures (Viacom)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like to know what I have been listening to while I wrote this:
> 
> Human by Aquillo https://soundcloud.com/aquilo/human.

 

 

Red and silver.

_Odd combination._

Blood on the floor.

Blood on your arms.

It's your blood, but what does it matter.

_What does it matter?_

_What do I matter?_

_What does it all matter?_

It matters nothing, until there is a knock at your door.

Shock.

You hadn't felt the person approaching your quarters. No new wave in the sea of emotions you drown in. Which means...

"Lieutenant, it's Commander Spock. Please open the door."

Anxiety has your tongue.

Moments of rib breaking silence pass.

"Lieutenant, please open the door."

Nine heartbeats, no breath.

_What does he want?_

_Why is he here?_

_He can't know?_

_What if he knows?_

_What if he's here because of that?_

_What if he comes in?_

_What if he comes in?_

_What if he comes in?_

Therat your fear takes shape in two simple noises, a beep, a hiss, and Commander Spock appears in the doorframe.

 

His eyes are faster than the 'No' that leaves your lips in disbelief.

Spock rushes towards you, before you can utter a word of protest.

Wherupon shame rushes over you like wildfire.

Already reaching for his communicator, he kneels before you.

"Lieutenant-"

"Don't call anyone," you interupt him with broken voice, fighting with anxiety for your tongue. "Please, don't call anyone."

 

You see a faint hint of confusion in his well managed expression, as he considers the possible options. Then, to your surprise, he actually places the communicator on the ground.

The feeling of surprise vanishes abpruptly, when he adresses you again.

"Lieutenant, you clearly need medical attention. The cuts on your arms are alarmingly deep. Why do you not want me to get you the help you need?" he questions in his usual composed and objective tone.

 

You can't figure it out. You just can't figure it out. He seems like he has been expecting everything, like he had a suspicion about your self-harm. But how could he? Your wounds were always hidden.

_Always hidden. Always hidden. Always. Were they?_

 

Biting the inside of your cheek, you try to avoid the vulcan's probing gaze.

He seemingly realizes your inability to answer, as he gets up wordlessly, disappears for a moment and is back with a clean towel.

"Do I have permission to touch you, Lieutenant?"

You nod lost for words, shame and shock burning all clear thoughts. Whereat swiftly, though very carefully, he lifts both your bleeding arms from your lap, subsequently covering the wounds with the towel, while you ponder about what to do. You can't decide what to do. Not that you can do anything about anything anymore, now that you had let him see.

 _Let him see. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That's it...there goes my sanity, there goes working at the Enterprise, there goes my future education, there goes seeing space. Stupid. Stu..._ Dizzyness interrupts your frantic thoughts.

You would loose it all now.

And it was such happines that you would loose.

Yes, you are happy with your life, love working at the Enterprise, love working for the starfleet, love your colleagues, love learning, love space.

But you love too much, you feel too much, you feel everything, everyones feelings. Worse, you can't differentiate between yours and theirs. Some filter inside you has to be damaged, you are damaged. _Unable to function properly. Damaged. Not made to live. Damaged. Not made to live._

"Lieutenant," holding up your wrists, Spock adresses you again.

You still try to elude eyecontact, causing him to gently take hold of your chin, forcing it upon you.

His eyes slice the last gossamer strings keeping you together.

Tears well up in your eyes, and you quickly shut them, helpless, overwhelmed, in a desperate attempt to escape.

"Lieutenant, look at me."

You can't, you just can't.

The Commander sighs almost inaudible. Theron he tries another tactic.

"Lieutenant, although I was suspecting that you were engaging in self-destructive behavior, on which account I came here to talk to you, I have only read about self-harm, yet never encountered a case until now. Please excuse my potentially inadequate behavior, but until you talk to me, I can only guess your most likely raging emotions."

Even though his emotions are not drowning you like those of everyone else and a part of you wants him to stay, knows that you need help, you shake your head, shame boiling inside every single part of you, itching, consuming. You couldn't take it, not one more moment.

 

"Please... Can...you please...just leave me alone," you utter, ignoring the last bit of lingering prudence inside you, urgency clinging to every letter.

"That would be highly illogical, Lieutenant," he denies, simple, uninvolved. "I am afraid, in your best interest, I can not do that."

Anger.

"How would you know what's in my best interest?!" you snap at him, meeting his gaze.

"Concerning the fact that your body and mind need care, common sense. Apart from that, you are right, I would not know," he declares, surprising you again with his placeableness.

Your anger volatilises like steam. Remorse and guilt spice the boiling shame. Your eyes burn as you hold his gaze. His brown eyes are keen and analysing, nothing could hide too long from them.

However they aren't cruel and nowhere near condescending.

He isn't responsible for your misery, he doesn't deserve to be treated so heedless.

"M'sorry," you choke up, past the lump in your throat.

He smiles a tiny bit. "I appreciate your apology, Lieutenant. However your reaction was perfectly normal given the situation. Furthermore, this is not about me, this is about you. Please do not mind my feelings too much."

A sob escapes your mouth, then another.

"S' the point! I...I can't...I...can't...I can't....I...I c-" You begin to hyperventilate.

Spock had patiently waited for you to answer, though he quickly identifies your breakdown.

"Lieutenant. Try to take deep breaths... Deep breaths... Focus on my voice. Calm down. There is no need to answer me right now... Breath."

As soon as you can speak again you sob, "I can not, not mind feelings. I feel... I feel all of them, every minute."

"I understand."

"It won't stop, and I can't, I can't..." You can't speak anymore, Spock's presence has turned you into a river. Tears flow and flow, and you are nothing but tears, and pain, and then Spock begins to hum. A complex melody, odd to your ears like the combination of silver and red, nonetheless, hypnotically beautiful... And you cling to it, use the tones as a latter to climb from the emotional thunderstorm. Once your eyes find his, he holds up the hand which isn't holding your wrists.

"May I?"

You nod slowly. Theron his fingertips touch your face, and his mind touches yours.

 

_...The song...?_

 

_...It is a melody we are thought as children, to help us find our center in distress..._

 

_...It helped..._

 

_…I am glad... Do you feel calmer know?..._

 

_...Yes... I can... I can even differentiate between mine and the feelings of others around... What are you doing?..._

 

_…I am helping your mind sort..._

 

_...Thank you..._

 

_...No need to thank me for that. I am delighted I can help..._

 

_...I..._

 

Suddenly a wave of emotions hits you, and the mind meld breaks.

What you see thereat is Chief Medical Officer Dr. Leonard McCoy, standing behind Spock.

 

"You..." you mumble an unfinished accuse at the Commander.

_He has called the Doctor before entering my quarters._

"...You..."

Spock tries to catch your erratic gaze, while you begin to hyperventilate again.

"Lieutenant, I am sorry, I did not tell you I called Dr. McCoy, but please calm down. He is here to help... He is...my friend." McCoy eyes the vulcan with an arced brow. "I trust him."

"I trusted you-" you gasp.

"Doctor..." Spock says, and the Doctor quickly kneels next to him, fetching something from a small bag he carries.

"N-No," you cry. "No don't!"

"I won't," McCoy discloses, hands raised. "But you have to calm down."

"Go away!" you sob. "Go away, g-go away...G...Go a...aw-ay... You...are...drow-h-ning me."

"I...what?" the CMO asks in utter confusion, turning to Spock.

"You have to get your emotions under control, Doctor, the Lieutenant is an empath."

"Oh."

The Doctor concentrates, and you can get your head over water just long enough to meet

Spock's eyes. "Lieutenant, I know I betrayed your trust, but you must calm down... If you keep breathing like that you will pass out." You want to feel calm again, though you are a river once more. "Let me calm you... Nothing is as bad, as you feel it is right know."

Sobbing you give in, his hand cups your face, and moments later, you feel that ease again.

 

After some time, slowly coming to your bodily senses, you find yourself in Spock's arms.

He has started to hum again, to make the transition from mind meld to non mind meld state easier for you.

"Dr. McCoy is going to treat your wounds now," Spock declares malacophonus. Yet, judging by his tone, this is not up to discussion.

You tense but quickly get your grip back as the Commander continues to hum, the vibration of the sound passing from his chest into your spine, leaning against him.

"I am here for you Lieutenant, as is he," Spock assures you.

The Medical Officer tries a crooked smile.

You can feel how he tries hard to keep his emotions under control, and you think highly about him for that.

"...Thank you, Dr. McCoy...and sorry that I'm such a trouble to you."  
He shakes his head. "Oh no, don't apologize. That's the least I can do."  
Spock hands the Doctor your arms, wherupon he swiftly begins his work.

 

It is surreal to you, watching him with Spock's calming influence on your mind, left with your own emotions, somewhat foreign to you and too hazey to catch. It's a blurr, in which you feel peculiarly secure. Not secure as in a tight embrace, more like someone just standing next to you, strong, supporting, looking with you, at the way you're going to go.

 

As soon as everything is disinfected, the Doctor applies wound closing foam to the gashing cuts. It isn't exactly a pleasant sensation, but he acts very cautiously, repeatedly asking with heartfelt concern if you can bear the pain.

Your answer is 'Yes' everytime, because Spock's humming strangely even soothes physical pain.

 

When everything is dry and clean, Dr. McCoy covers your arms with two light bandage sleeves. "Sooo...like that you should be able to hide them under your uniform," he adds.

You look at him bewildered.

"Dr. McCoy are you..."-you swallow tediously-"are you not going to take me to the...the psychiatric ward?"

 

"Seems like a bad idea to me," he answers outright. "What could they do for you there?... I honestly don't think you beeing an overwhelmed empath is something that can be fixed with medicine or...or should be."

"But..."

"I wasn't saying nothing needs to be fixed, I mean it is clear to me, that you are cleary not okay with your situation...and neither am I."

"If I may have a say in that matter," Spock intervenes. You raise your head to look at him. "I think I could help the Lieutenant."

"Well that is a start..." The CMO nods. "Nevertheless, I have to be sure those will be the first and last self-inflicted wounds I see on your arms...or anywhere else. Can you promise me that, Lieutenant?"

You want to, yet you hesitate, and the Doctor understands.

"Could you tell us then, why you self-harm... harmed?"

You nod, somehow overcome by the need to explain yourself to him and the Commander, the need to proove you aren't insane.

"I...I feel...like I am broken, not fit to live... Every moment of everyday I am lost in this...in this ocean of feelings, currents pulling me from side to side, waves chrashing over me, burrying me until I loose myself... The physical pain anchors me...a little... And when I get so angry that I have no control whatsoever...I take it out on my body...because...I don't know what else to do."

The Chief Medical Officer nods. "Those sound like perfectly logical reasons, don't they, Commander?"

Spock nods and you sigh relieved, he knows well, after all, the two of you have shared a mind.

"Still-" the Doctor continues.

"That behavior is not a solution and it has to stop, the Lieutenant knows that, Doctor," Spock finishes McCoy's sentence.

"Good...well, I suppose I can drop the protocol prescribed act now," the CMO sighs. "Is there anything I can do for you, Lieutenant?"

You shake your head, despite understanding he asks as himself not as a doctor, still baffled by how things are turning out.

"Alright, just let me know...if you need anything... For instance, if the Commander isn't around, alway feel free to give me a call, and I will be right there for you..." He sighs again. "Good god, this is awkward... I am so bad at this."

"No, Dr. McCoy you're not... What you offered me is so kind, and I really can't thank you enough for beeing so understanding and..."-your bandaged arms held to your chest, you struggle for words- "just... Thank you,        Dr. McCoy."

"Matter of course," he says with that crooked smile and get's up. "...I will be on my way.

 

"Spock, I expect regular updates on the Lieutenant's progress..." He shakes his head. "Which doesn't mean you can't tell me about your progress yourself as well, Lieutenant."

 

"Assuredly, Doctor," Spock answers with a smirk for the both of you. Whereat the Chief Medical Officer leaves.

 

"Commander Spock...aren't you getting uncomfortable?" you ask, as he has sat on the floor with you the entire time.

"No, Lieutenant, I am quite fine, but I would prefer to get you somewhere where you can find some rest."

"Alright..." you agree, whereupon he rises, helping you up with him.

Quite thoughtless, you make the first steps in the direction of your bed. However your feet don't play along, and you end up in Spock's arms once more.

"Lieutenant, for your own safety, let me carry you."

You nod and he lifts you up, his presence fitting like a puzzle piece you had been looking for, without even knowing how it looked.

 

Sitting in your bed, a few moments later, you are still wondering what this puzzle piece looks like exactly in the bigger picture. The vulcan sitting at the edge of the bed seems to know that, for he begins to explain it to you, "Lieutenant, what I hope to do for you from now on is, provide you with whatever knowledge helps you deal with being an empath... I can also share some of my experience being half vulcan...and therefore learning to be in control of my emotions from early age on... Futhermore, teach you some of the techniques for that."

"...I would like that, Commander."

Spock bows his head slightly. "You do not have to agree if your uncomfortable with that. Lieutenant Uhura might be able to help you as well... She is, really good with emotions."

"I know..."-you smile-"her emotions are quite distinct, very...solid, but not opressive."

The Commander nods with a smile similar to yours.

"I think with your abilities as a vulcan," you add, "your are best suited to help me, although consulting Lieutenant Uhura once in a while, if that is alright with her, will surely benefit us both...don't you think, Commander Spock?"

He nods. "I think...that was a really logical assumption. I have to admit, that I did not expect I would have an effect on you so quickly, Lieutenant."

"I should write that into my calendar, shouldn't I? ...Surprised my vulcan Commander today..."

"If you write 'I am going to sleep now, knowing I can call the Commander, or the CMO if I need them' underneath, I am perfectly content with that, Lieutenant."

"Check, Commanded Spock."

You suppose he will leave you now, but he doesn't. Silence emerges and a little confused you question, "Commander, aren't you...going to leave?

"Not until you do what you just hypothetically wrote into your calendar."

"Oh..."

"Even though I would like to arrange a day off for you, I guess you do not want me to."

You shake your head.

"So, you need to rest now. Tommorow, I will pick you up here before your shift, to hopefully teach you some emergency techniques for stabilizing yourself in overwhelming situations, until I am there to help...if it is convinient to you."

Getting under the covers, you nod eagerly. He nods too, and then looks at you in a way that says 'close your eyes'. You do, and still, he stays.

Before you can ask this time the vulcan explains, "I found, I should wait till you are asleep. I read somewhere, that it is calming to have someone watch you fall asleep."

You couldn't supress a chuckle at the way he said that.

"Am I wrong, Lieutenant?"

"No..." you assured him, eyes open again, trying to stop the chuckling.

"Would you mind, giving me some tips of doing the 'watching' right?"

"Of course not. First of all..." you advised, "'watching' not 'staring', and 'watching' only from time to time. For the most part, just look somewhere else, and try not to come across like you have somewhere else to be, that the one you are watching has all the time in the world to fall asleep."

"Check, Lieutenant," he smirks.

You laugh and close your eyes.

 

Some time later, sleep finds you, and somehow for the first time, you are not thrown out of it by the crew's emotional waves.

 


	2. The turn...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have the easiest time writing this.  
> For me, it's easy to write a problem, but difficult to write a way out of it.  
> However, I learned something new about myself, and that is one of the most greatest gifts.
> 
> This video - a survial guide for empaths & and highly sensitive people - is a gift as well,  
> and provided me with some truely helpful information.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56aPldXA_F4 
> 
>  
> 
> If you like to know what I have been listening to while I wrote this:
> 
> While there is life by Pulsar https://soundcloud.com/joe_pulsar/pulsar-while-theres-life  
> Coriolis by Peguing Cafe https://soundcloud.com/penguincafe/11-coriolis  
> Magenta by Apes and Horses https://soundcloud.com/thoseforgottensecrets/apes-horses-magenta  
> Starfish Kids by Nomadic Firs https://soundcloud.com/nomadic-firs/starfish-kids  
> New Housie by Soldier's Heart https://soundcloud.com/soldiersheart/newhousie  
> Loveless by Lo Moon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnXkMNyc794  
> In quiet rooms by OMN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jRVxLQCgpo  
> Notion by Tash Sultana https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFn2kyvkk7g  
> Gemini by Tash Sultana https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SC9AdHynlc

 

 

You wake up to the cheerful beeping of your alarm clock, announcing the new day.

Blinking the first few times, you catch a brief bit of nervous anticipation, ere other feelings brand on your inner shores, along with the realisation that you haven't set an alarm. A little befuddled you turn your head to the nightstand on the right of your bed.

The digital notepad stading there is inscribed in a very neat, narrow handwriting, that...isn't yours.  
All the more befuddled, you push yourself up to reach for it and turn off the alarm, when a slight stinging in your arms pushes yesterdays events back into your awareness.

"Outch..." you mumble in response to both things, touching the bandage sleeves with something hazey between guilt and gratefulness.

Tentatively peering underneath the white medical fabric covering your arms, you marvel at the CMO's work, his signature clearly visible in the barely noticeable scarring.

_...Signature..._

Absently you notice the still going alarm. Shaking your head with a little laugh, you reach over and turn it off. Whereupon you pull the Notepad into your lap.

The handwriting on it clearly is that of your vulcan Commander, and the signature at the end of the short text proves it.

 

 

Lieutenant,

I took the liberty to set an alarm for you yesterday.

I hope that was not too intrusive, and that you got enough sleep.

For the reason that I futhermore plan to pick up 20 minutes after the onset of the alarm.

So that we can, as agreed, practise some emergency techniques.

 

Commander Spock

 

 

You crack a heartfelt smile. Then you realise the full impact of the note.

You...have to get ready. You have-

_Am I ready for this?_

_What if...What if I can't adapt these techniques..._

_What if I fail at executing them..._

_What if he feels like he is wasting his time..._

_What if I turn out to be a lost cause after all..._

_What...if..._

You shake your head vehemently, thought bubbles scattering in every direction.

_No._

_No 'what if'._

Vigorously you throw the blanket aside and get up.

Taking a few breaths, you make your bed and thereafter quickly freshen up in the little bath.

 

Once you are dressed in your starfleet uniform you feel al little more composed...a little.

 _A little is enough for now._ More or less convinced you take another few shaky breaths.

 

Anxious moments later, a knock at your door. And jolting a little, you have to admit it was kind of irritating not to feel him approach. _Weird thought..._

Hastly then, you move to open the door for Commander Spock.

 

"Good morning, Lieutenant," he greets, with that minimal smile of his, as you stand face to face.

"Good morning, Commander," you respond, returning the smile. "Thank you for setting up an alarm and leaving the note."

He nods. "You are welcome, I am relieved you took no offense. We have a good one hour and forty minutes now until your shift, Lieutenant. Are you feeling well enough to take a walk with me?"

Now you nod, slowly yet resolute.

"Just follow me," he says encouraging. And you do.

 

Walking down the hallway, just as the emotional currents around you begin to grow stronger and you tense up, Spock asks, "How is the crew today?"

Surprised by the question you take a moment of consideration, ere you answer, "...Relatively at ease."

"And how about you, Lieutenant?"

"...Relatively uneasy...I think."

"So your feelings are already starting to get buried beneath those of the crew, and your mind pulled in every direction they come from, is that right?"

You nod assent.

"My first task for you then," the Commander discloses, "is to look at your feet while you walk. Try to concentrate on how the light reflects in your boots...the sound your steps make...the physical sensation of walking... Graduately shift your attention from the outside to the inside."

Lowering your gaze, you try it.

And quite astonishingly, focussing on these simple things helps in a way.

_Perhaps because one seldomely paid that much attention to walking..._

The task really keeps your mind engrossed, and by that from overanalysing the emotional input, from being pulled outwards by the currents. It is similar to an anchor.

"From what I have researched so far, having a kind of anchor is one of the most important thing for empaths," Spock explains thereat, as if he has read your mind. "Beyond that, I can also advocate this from my own experience," the half Vulcan adds.

Whereupon you nod with a consent smile and he continues.

"Albeit this focus exercise is a rather unstable and temporary anchorage it might do for an emergency. So that you can look for a quiet place to call Dr. McCoy or me."

Again you move your head in agreement.

Which he mimicks, before futher elaborating, "In the future, it would certainly be our goal to establish a more permanent anchor, if that is alright with you. Lieutenant."

You look at him."Yes, of course, Commander Spock." Gratidute flows by your heart at his generous offer, but is followed by apprehensivess a second later. "...If it doesn't...if you...I mean..."

"No need to worry about my shedule or my stress levels Lieutenant," he gently interrupts

your tumbling words, "organizing is one of my strengths, I have been told."

Spock gifts you another minimal smile and you smile back. "Nevertheless...Thank you for taking the effort to make time for me."

"It is all well, Lieutenant. But try to stay with yourself," he reminds you.

You sigh. _Easier said than done._

 

"Another thing that can help you with that is breathing," the Commander recommends thereupon.

"Shift your attention further inwards, to your lungs. Breathe in slowly through your nose into your stomach, as deep as you possibly can. Subsequently, likewise slowly, breathe out through your mouth all the air, pressing your abdomen towards your spine. And focus intently on your sensations while doing so."

Following his instructions, you realise you have never breathed so intently. Observing the movement of your body and the movement of the oxygen gives the depth back to this vital process so seldomly adimired.  


After a while, head tilted, Spock inquires, "Can you tell me how you feel now, Lieutenant?"

Nodding, you answer him, "...Connected...with myself."

Which he meets with the third minimal smile. "As I hoped. If you can concentrate enough, you could additionally chant a mantra in your head while breathing. Vulcans are taught such at an early age, but I doubt any of the kind I know would be sufficient for you... In your case the mantra should be calming and self-affirmative. Concerning that, if I understood you correctly, you doubt your abilities to deal with the day to day, to deal with yourself as an empath. Which is also why I would advise you to set boundaries, preferably before you are overwhelmed. I know you usually quite literally run around all day, trying to help your fellow crew members with their emotional turbulences. Please, do not get me wrong, this is not a bad thing at all. Though I persume, that leaves you little time to actually deal with yourself." The look he gives you at thereat, searches for approval. You, however, can't bring yourself to give that. But neither can you disagree.

"You have every right to take time off from helping, Lieutenant," the Commander concludes reassuringly, and you know why you couldn't bring yourself to agree. You had expected this.

"Well...I don't think I have," you utter.

And he is silent for a moment.

A long moment, that despite his silence, sounds like scrunching sandcorns.

It's almost as if you can see the conversation, a paperplane going into a tailspin, amidst the attritional rising noise.

 

Still looking at you, Spock eventually ends the scrunching and spinning, "I read this is a difficult problem for empaths. I assumed giving you my view, might help or at least would do no harm... It does not help at all, does it?"

You can't supress a little chuckle at the helplessness in his voice.

"It hasn't done any harm, Commander... Although in all honesty, yes, it doesn't really help the cause."

"And what is the cause, if I may ask?" he queries with serious interest.

"I feel that I'm causing harm, when I don't help... in a way," you anon answer.

Whereas his next response takes a while, in which you knot your fingers in various shapes of discomfort.

 

"Persumably, me trying to approach this logically will not get us far. Thus, I suggest we consult Lieutenant Uhura, as soon as she has the time. However I must not miss to tell you, if you can

not convince yourself to take time off soley for your sake, do it for those you want to help."

You had to admit, it only made sense. How could you help anyone in a state like yesterday?

Unknotting your hands, you consent, "Yes, Commander Spock."

The Vulcan nods acknowledging. "Excellent. Now that we are on the topic of self care... During my research, the importance of cleansing oneself was very evident. I came across something called shower meditation, that I think might benifit you. The concept is simple, while taking a shower you would imagine not only cleansing yourself physically but also psychologically. Speaking in a metaphorical sense, washing off the all the foreign emotions. To prevent the accumulation of feelings, and perhaps even the feeling of drowning. So that there is more room for your own emotions. As well as more room for you to ground yourself in an unharmful way."

You smile unsettled, "That...sounds like a good idea, Commander. I will definitely give it a try."

The thought of being alone at the end of your work day suddenly scares you.

 

 _What if- No._ _You, almost reflexsively shake your head. No. No. No. No._

 

 

"Lieutenant," Spock adresses you softly yet objective, "If you have concerns regarding your safety, I am sure we could arrange a bed in the sick bay for you tonight."

Your uneasiness turns into something you can't identify. "...I will think about it."

"Of course, in the case, you are having troubles the CMO's eyes can't keep at bay, you can call me. And we will try to retain oder in your mind together," he assures you prudently, while the two of you turn a corner. Whereat, less prudently, Captain James T. Kirk bumps into him.

After a quick 'sorry', accompanied by a sunny smile and greetings, the man rushes on. Leaving you and the Commander standing there in confounded silence for a moment.

_Should I tell him... I should tell him..._

_He is his friend...it should be okay...but I shouldn't even know this..._

_And if Kirk doesn't want anyone to know... Though what if he needs help and no one knows..._

_I am not close enough with him to approach him myself..._

Shaking his head with a little snort, Spock seemingly intents to walk on too.

"The Captain...isn't well today," you tell him, just as he makes the first step. "Would you check on him, Commander?"

Spock's eyebrows furrow in surprise and concern. Captain Kirk's smile was deceiving. "Well yes, surely, Lieutenant." In the short pause he makes, you almost feel as if you have stolen the Captain's emotions. "Thank you, for letting me know. It was a good descision," he says thereupon, with real gratitude. And you know he is trying to detangle the clew your thoughts are forming, though you aren't convinced.

"Do you really think so?"

"Yes."

"And from his perspective?"

The Vulcan smirks, "Definitely, from his perspective. However,"-he eyes you beseechingly- "I first need your perspective on something else, Lieutenant. Do you think you are equipped for the day?"

You nod. "Mhm."

"Give me a call, when your shift is over, please. I would like to know how your day went and your descision regarding spending the night at sick bay."

"Check, Commander Spock."

"Check, Lieutenant."

Thereon, he bows his head and leaves in the direction the Captain had headed.

With precise long strides, that let no one assume he was in paticular hurry.

 

Yet he is, you can feel his haste, the fear of being too late, just as you had been able to sense his concern and surprise earlier, due to Kirk's presence.

 

Only around him, Spock's emotions were so vibrant. Maybe because James Tiberus Kirk had a way of cracking those around him open. Whether it was utter annoyance or childlike happiness, people usually showed sides around him that they otherwise had well controlled, or forgotten.

Concerning Spock, Lieutenant Uhura and Dr. McCoy had a similar effect on him.

Though in different manners. While in company of his girlfriend, the currents of the Commander's feelings became stronger although on a deeper level. And around the CMO it was a brisk impishness that crept into his words.

Which was quite noticeable, as the half Vulcan generally watched his speech very closely, eventhough not always concerning its effects on others emotions.

 

Pondering about that, it becomes all the more obvious to you, how careful Commader Spock speaks around you, how, during your recent talk, he had evaded words that could put you in any trouble if someone overheard your conversation.

He had made an effort not to unhinge you.

And that he had was probably another result of his relationship with Kirk, Uhura and McCoy.

Those three had changed him - his view on things and how they had to be, who he could be and who he was.

 

If Spock had found you on the floor, bleeding from self inflincted wounds, during a time before knowing them... Things could have turned out far different for you.

And the puzzle wouldn't have looked like it did now.

 

_Thanks to him and the Doctor, I might be able to solve it now._

 

 

 


End file.
